I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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