just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
