If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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