The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
