i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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