wat bout pragnant strippers??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
