I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
