my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
