Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
