I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
