When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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