The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
