if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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