So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
