they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
