I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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