the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
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I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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