do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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