I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
