Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
