One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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