Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
