were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
