The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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