wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
