I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
