I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
