i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
