i was born a porn star she said
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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