i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
