Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
