i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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