while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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