Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
