saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Pants are for mortals
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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