so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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