She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
