the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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