I hope mine doesn't look like that
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Semen is not good for contacts.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
