Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
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I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
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i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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