i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
