Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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