i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
