The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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