At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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