I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He passed out mid-signature
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
