Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
