Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
