and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
