how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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