Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Randomize
