The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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