In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
