the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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